My husband and I moved to a new city recently. Our next-door neighbors introduced themselves right away, and they were very friendly to us. We hung out a few times. They were fun! Then I added one of them as a friend on Facebook and saw that they spread misinformation about the Covid vaccine, various political figures and people with substance abuse issues. Oof! My husband and I decided we will be polite when we see them, but we won’t drink beers or watch movies with them anymore. Still, they keep inviting us to hang out. I feel awkward refusing their invitations while seeing them across the yard. Should I just explain to them why we don’t want to be friends?
NEW IN TOWN
The intriguing part of your story, to me, isn’t that your neighbors are trumpeting misinformation online. (No news there!) It’s that you had fun with them — and, apparently, they kept their objectionable views in check. If it weren’t for social media, you might have become friends. I see this situation as a loss for all of you.
That said, I completely understand why those Facebook posts are upsetting to you; anti-vaccine messaging has been a huge setback in the global fight against the coronavirus. But I don’t think it’s worth hashing out anyone’s politics based on social media activity alone. Would it be possible to wait until one of your neighbors actually says something harmful or objectionable before you refuse to see them again? (I get that this may be hard.)
More important, I’m concerned that you and your husband may not have taken sensible precautions before hanging out with these neighbors. (Your letter doesn’t mention them.) Did you ask about their vaccination statuses or agree to test ahead of time? Your safety is the top priority here — and it may be the easiest way to end this budding friendship. If your neighbors won’t agree to take reasonable safety measures, especially as Covid-19 cases rise again in some areas, tell them you’re not comfortable hanging out. Perfectly reasonable!
About That Mattress Cover …
I took a trip and hired a young woman to cat sit at my apartment. I didn’t know her, but she came highly recommended by a friend. When I returned, everything was in order. She told me she had changed the sheets on my bed where she slept. Eventually, when I changed them again, I noticed she had replaced my mattress cover with a new one. (The sheets she slept on were in fine condition.) May I ask her what happened, or is it better to keep quiet — assuming there may have been an accident that is embarrassing to her?
CAT DAD
When we turn over our homes to others, we have to expect that accidents may happen. It’s hard for me to picture an “embarrassing” mishap here that would leave your sheets in fine condition but damage your mattress cover.
Let’s assume your cat sitter accidentally tore one of the annoying mesh side panels on your mattress cover (or otherwise damaged it) and thoughtfully replaced it for you. (She seems very responsible!) I wouldn’t draw further attention to the issue, though. The cat sitter fixed it already.
The Long Tail of Grief
I am a 40-year-old woman. I have a good life with a loving husband, a job I like and two great kids. I also have a problem: My mother died four years ago, and I still think about her every day with a stab of pain. (I really loved her!) It’s not debilitating or anything. But I’m not sure what to do with these feelings. Any advice?
ANNIE
I’m sorry for your loss, Annie. I’m sorry for all of us that the stabs of pain from our biggest losses rarely go away entirely. My mom died seven years ago, and I still feel them frequently.
When I feel a pang, I say to myself: “I love you, Mom.” Then I take a moment to remember her laugh or her touch, and I get on with my day. Often, this transforms a painful moment into a more manageable one. Give it a try and let me know how it goes, OK?
My Passport Stamps, Myself?
Once or twice a year, a good friend from high school invites me to a big party she’s hosting with dozens of guests. We’re 30 now, and this is our only contact. The last two times I went, I got the distinct impression that she was showing me off to her current friends — steering the conversation to adventure travel I did after university. It felt icky to me. Her friends are wealthy and probably travel differently. Should I tell her how this makes me feel or just stop going?
FRIEND
I think you may be overestimating the bragging rights of years-old adventure travel. One mark of a thoughtful host is to offer guests who don’t know each other possible topics of conversation (for after the host walks away). If you don’t like the brief your friend has created for you, suggest a different tidbit about yourself or your current interests to discuss with fellow guests.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
