I am a doctor. My colleague’s spouse was recently diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer. I privately communicated my support and offered to help, even though they’re very self-sufficient and have lots of resources, both financially and emotionally.
A nurse in my department is putting together a gift basket for the wife and also collecting donations for the couple to rent a weekend cabin. The nurse says, “Most people are donating between $50-$100.” I can easily afford to give $100, but I know that this couple don’t need the money, and I am a bit appalled that nurses, tech and other hospital staff (who aren’t as well paid as I am) would be asked to donate money to a couple who are comfortable financially and have no barriers to renting a vacation cabin.
Do I participate in a gift that I feel is well intentioned but misguided? Name Withheld
The point of these gifts is not to give this couple needed resources; it’s to express support. A weekend rental of this cabin; a basket with — what, an array of fruit, cheese, wine, chocolate? That’s the hallmark of a gift: something that recipients might not have spent their own money on but would probably be happy to have.
What matters is that your co-workers are freely giving in that supportive spirit. It sounds as if the nurse is perhaps being somewhat aggressive in her efforts, and for that matter, maybe the cabin rental is too ambitious in the gift department. People with limited means shouldn’t feel any pressure to pony up.
Rather than withhold a donation, though, you might have a word with the nurse about your concerns. Because she seems to be the only person who knows what staff members are forking over, they shouldn’t be feeling coerced, but she should take care that nobody is made to feel awkward, either. With a gift, as we say, it’s the thought that counts. Yet thought should be given, too, to the situation of those who can’t easily contribute.
My boyfriend and I are a heterosexual couple who regularly socialize with my best friend of many years, whom I’ll call Michael, and his boyfriend, whom I’ll call Jim. I’ve known Michael much longer than Jim, but they have been together for years.
Jim is a heavy drinker and has on a couple of occasions made a drunken pass at my boyfriend — getting a little handsy with him when we were all hanging out. My boyfriend would do his best to evade Jim’s attempts. It’s not clear how much of this Michael noticed, as I sometimes missed it myself. Privately, my partner and I would put it down to Jim’s drinking and otherwise laugh it off.
Recently, though, Jim began texting my boyfriend at night with messages that got more and more graphic. My boyfriend, who is conflict-averse, tried to deflect by asking him if he was drinking or by just ignoring the messages and hoping he’d stop. It didn’t work. Then my boyfriend told him that the texts were inappropriate and that they needed to stop. Jim has not responded or reached out otherwise since.
Several years ago, I received a late-night text that was sexual in nature from Jim. I thought the text was meant for Michael and forwarded it to him at the time, but now I’m realizing it could have been intended for someone else, so this may not be an isolated incident.
While I feel Jim’s advances were disrespectful to all our relationships, my partner and I are inclined to let this go and hope Jim behaves himself going forward. We agreed that if Jim continues to text, perhaps I need to get involved, but we’re hoping it doesn’t come to that.
Do I owe it to Michael to let him know about his partner’s shenanigans? I don’t know if Michael knows or condones Jim’s advances outside their relationship, but I am cognizant that even if they are in an open relationship, Jim’s advances on my boyfriend are not OK. As Michael’s best friend, I’m not sure what’s more hurtful: keeping these indiscretions a secret or sharing them. Name Withheld
If Jim has taken your boyfriend’s reproof seriously, you could decide to let bygones be bygones, but if his appalling behavior resumes, the respectful thing to do is to let your friend know. Jim’s actions have put a strain on your relationship with this other couple. Whatever understanding exists between Michael and Jim, as you say, it’s just wrong to persist in making unwelcome sexual advances.
Michael is presumably aware that Jim behaves badly when drunk. But it doesn’t help either of them not to face up to the possibility that Jim has a drinking problem. And that’s something you could gently raise with Michael too. If the problems arise only when Jim is under the influence, getting him to deal with his drinking would be good for everyone involved.
My husband and I enjoy a warm relationship with our next-door neighbors, whose young children are the same age as ours. We speak frequently and often share our parenting experiences. But I’ve come to notice that though they wear their seatbelts, their kids are never buckled up when they depart and arrive home by car.
It is state law to properly secure children into a child passenger restraint, and failure to do so may result in a fine or driver’s license points. Worse, if they were involved in a collision, the children could be seriously injured. We live in a town with high rates of accidents and reckless driving. I feel a responsibility to let them know how dangerous this is.
Our neighbors are Chinese Americans who emigrated from China, and I am white. My husband believes that if I say something, I could be introducing a dynamic of racial microaggression and judgmental superiority, thus compromising our friendly relationship. I know that they are attentive and loving parents. Do I have an ethical responsibility to tell them that they are not being safe and should buckle up? I am sure some people would say the answer is yes, but it feels more delicate than that. Name Withheld
The number of children who are injured each year in car accidents is well into the six figures; when proper restraints are used, the risks are significantly reduced. The sort of delicacy your husband espouses makes the avoidance of a possibly awkward conversation a greater priority than the avoidance of serious harm. Something has gone wrong when talk of microaggressions leads you to ignore a real safety issue. I suspect your neighbors wouldn’t leave their children unbuckled if they knew it was illegal, or if their attention had been drawn to the benefits of buckling. Those are excellent reasons, reflecting a concern for their welfare, for speaking up.
You don’t seem to be in the habit of treating your neighbors as your inferiors. If you take them aside and have a word with them about the issue, they may be embarrassed for a moment, but you’ve given them no reason to think you look down on them. Friends tell each other things like these, and you’ll have let them down if you don’t.
Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. His books include “Cosmopolitanism,” “The Honor Code” and “The Lies That Bind: Rethinking Identity.” To submit a query: Send an email to [email protected]; or send mail to The Ethicist, The New York Times Magazine, 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018. (Include a daytime phone number.)
